July 23, 2012
How to deal with a breakup.


  • Overreact. 
  • Threaten low-level violence knowing full well that the only thing you have been able to hit correctly during the entirety of the relationship was a) dat ass and b) a spider, once. 
  • Delete her from every social media outlet. 
  • Block her on Twitter for “spam” because you have a loose definition of “spam.” 
  • Delete her phone number…
  • … after sending her a series of awful text messages describing how you’re not going to mail anything of hers back. 
  • When she replies, say “Who is this?” because you deleted her number ten minutes ago and have selective amnesia. 
  • Forget all of the good times and only remember the bad. 
  • Burn everything. 
  • Binge eat.
  • Binge shower. 
  • Binge binge. 
  • Play “Winds Of Change” really loudly while browsing OKCupid. 
  • Publicly denounce her parents (who were just awful, anyway, like, classically trained awful; the Yo-Yo Ma and Glenn Close of total fucking close-minded awfulness)
  • When she does text you nicely to ask if you’ve calmed down, do not reply for at least an hour and when you do, be the cattiest bitch of all time, as if this was Def Jam Breakup Insults or something. 
  • Hate anyone with the same first name as her entirely on principle. 
  • Forget about all of this in six months, feign ignorance to any overreaction on your part, claim everything sent back to her was “lost in the mail,” and wish her well in her future. 
  • Which will be shit, obviously, because she doesn’t have you any more. 
  • Her loss, man. (spits on ground, pops collar, and rides away on motorcycle)

Do all of this without having the pretext of a breakup. Just do it anyway.

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  10. dopemove said: Listen to roommate complain about liking two different girls.
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    Dear @epicpizzaclub, I’m real sorry for dragging your name into the fray, but I think this came from the...
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  16. thepoliticalnotebook said: Also super casually walk a different way when you see them coming, pretend you didn’t see them, and then trip on something large and completely avoidable. Also have conversations w/ their friends in front of them while ignoring them.
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